Turn the tables

Here's an idea:

Churches ought to apply for the privilege of hiring some (SOME!) church musicians. Here’s the ad I would place:

WANTED: one church to provide musical inspiration, a smart congregation, and even-handed employment for an organist. Qualifications of this church include but may not necessarily be limited to the following:

-- Lead by example to encourage the congregation to remain quiet for preludes and postludes.

-- Stay out of the way regarding hymn tempos.

-- Provide an acoustical environment that enhances worship.

-- Allow only musicians and professional sound technicians to run sound, if any.

-- Adhere to all published wedding rules. If none exist, allow the organist to write some.

-- Establish and maintain a chain of command that actually works. The lay governing body should demonstrate a track record of refusing to hand its power over to the pastor.

-- Keep staff turnover at a minimum by providing proper pay and a professional work environment.

-- Stop paying dues to the Willow Creek Association.

-- Provide time off for both vacation and continuing education. One should not be used to “satisfy” the other.

-- Overhaul the music program with the music staff’s knowledge, guidance, and participation.

-- Provide the organist exclusive access to the organ chamber. Take the chamber keys away from the cleaning crew and maintenance crew.

-- Cooperate with the organist in allowing the console to be left unlocked and available to all.

-- Allow the organist to teach on the church organ.

-- Allow the organist to get actively involved with organ maintenance. This will save the church money on little things that go wrong in the future.

-- Upload photos and specs of the organ on the church website, as directed by the organist.

-- Allow the organist 24-hour access and alarm codes to the building. He’s got to practice, you know.

Interested churches should send an electronic package containing 1) a letter of intent, 2) references from at least three previous musicians on your staff, and 3) any evidence at all of an effective lay governing body to joby(at)jobybell(dot)org. Serious applications only, please. Files containing misspelled words, poor grammar, or the words "blessed" or "awesome" will not be considered. The successful church meeting these qualifications will be considered carefully and fairly. In the unlikely event that a church like this really does exist, then the organist will probably have had a coronary from the shock and will not be able to hire it. But a guy can dream.